First Change Bowler - the first innings

I doubt I am alone in having a passion for sports that, by a considerable margin, outstrips any natural athletic prowess.

At school, I was on the fringes of the starting line-ups for the football and cricket teams. Only injury to the established players would see the coaches reluctantly elevate me to the First XI, but I could expect to make a late substitute appearance if we were already in a commanding lead and my inclusion would not jeopardise the expected victory.

But every now and then I would demonstrate an unexpected moment of brilliance that meant I could never be completely excluded from the selectors' minds.

For examples, natural cowardice and aversion to pain made me extremely fast and light on my feet and therefore difficult for hulking opponents to pummel into the mud of the rugby field. And twice in one football match I scored directly from corners by waiting for a favourable shift in the wind. And on humid summer afternoons I could occasionally get a cricket ball to swing at least a yard from my ungainly left-arm round-the-wicket lob.

Into adulthood, these rare champagne moments did not abandon me. I was still 85 per cent duffer and 15 per cent capable. That, plus a willingness to remain always available for selection, meant I stayed on the fringes of various under-achieving teams for years to come.

So this is just the introduction to what I hope will be an entertaining journey that retells a score of incidents, both the heroic and far more numerous catastrophic!