I HAD been issued with 'key tasks' by herself - important things that need doing/sorting/booking before a family holiday.

But as with most blokes, my initial flurry of activity was momentary. Mid-way, if that, through the first task - the relatively simple "clear that sh*t out of the boot so we'll have room for the luggage" - I was sidetracked. All I had to do was transfer a large cardboard box from car to garage.

Only I peeked inside the box. Straight away, the Y-chromosome kicked in. It was a box full of my old football programmes! All other considerations go out the window at this point. Ask any bloke.

Suddenly, nothing is more important that reading and reminiscing and, of course, sorting them all out into date order.

My team being Crystal Palace, this meant a rollercoaster ride down memory lane: Play-off triumphs and disasters, touching distance of FA Cup final glory, the day we had it on our toes from a mob of Ipswich, giving it the biggun' up at Manchester City, getting hit for nine (NINE!) without reply at Anfield and always lively encounters against Brighton . . .

Thus can a two-minute job somehow end up taking taking nearly three hours!

And the box contained another little gem, or rather three little gems - faded and yellowing school report cards! Michaelmas terms 1978, 1980 and 1983; when I was 10, 12 and 15 respectively. Michaelmas term! That's Autumn for you state-educated herberts.

It is only in hindsight I appreciate how the form tutors managed to damn with faint praise! This from my fifth form Geography report: Keith's standard of classwork is perfectly satisfactory, but his form position (2nd) flatters his knowledge. In the exam, however, he was inclined to ignore the rubric* and write as much or as little as he fancied, about whatever he fancied. Much of it was true, but irrelevant.
This from fifth form woodwork: He has made a great deal of effort and works to the best of his ability. Nevertheless, he is by no means a strong examination candidate.
Tellingly, my sporting development through the years follows a theme. It appears I could have been a very useful footballer and hockey player but for a peculiar back condition - a great yellow streak right up the middle of it!

PE report aged 10: Keith is improving but is rather timid in matches. I hope that timidness will disappear next term.
PE report aged 12: Keith is captain of soccer and has played well in both soccer and hockey. But he must develop more confidence. He has the ability to be very good.
PE report aged 15: A capable footballer and hockey player who plays with enthusiasm but lacks the aggression to dominate a game.
There you go, the curse of the sensitive soul. No lack of ability, but it was always the rough boys who got the plaudits!

*Rubric: (I had to look it up!) A chart or plan that identifies criteria for evaluating a piece of a student's work, be it an essay test, a paper, or some other student production.